I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
