His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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