glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
