Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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