Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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