If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
