dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
