So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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