This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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