if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
