Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
