Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
