I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize