I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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