Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
