why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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