Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
