I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
