i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just tell him i said nine months
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
