They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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