Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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