My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
