Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
