I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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