I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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