sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He? As in you personified your dick?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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