If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
