It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
