I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
