My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
