Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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