I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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