No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
