pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My ass is underappreciated
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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