he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
