he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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