Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
