I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
jump out the window naked night went bad
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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