I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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