Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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