theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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