I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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