I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I need a beard to bite.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
