Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
