I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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