Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
