So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
