i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
