you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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