she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
