well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Barsexuality is the new black.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
