guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You can't special order awesome
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
