sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
