I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I believe in your delicious
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
