You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
