You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't deserve a penis
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
