life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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