i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
